I know what a CEO is supposed to do, and I understand the requirements for a COO, CFO, and a CIO, but I have finally realised that the role I was born to occupy, was as a CCO. According to the Washington Post, the Candy Funhouse Company of Canada is advertising for a Chief Candy Officer.
The job involves tasting about 3500 pieces of candy per month. Requirements; excellent taste buds and a sweet tooth. In case you are wondering, the package comes with good dental insurance. It pays well, but I would do it as a volunteer.
Such a role, says the company, requires that you can ‘support the company’s candy strategy’ (tick) and ‘run candy board meetings.’ Hello!
As I dig deeper, I discover that these kinds of jobs exist in other places. Titles such as sensory technicians, and sensory panellists exist in this world. Who knew? And why didn’t my school career advisor say something?
Mars employs people to taste test M&Ms, Twix bars, Snickers and of course, Mars bars. Hershey’s give their taste testers six months of training. What exactly does that course look like?
Ice-cream companies also have official taste testers. In 2009, John Harrison talked about his routine at Dreyer’s ice-cream and how he started the day with all the vanillas, working his way up to the mint choc chip and ended with the black walnut. What would be a rough day at the office look like for John? Is it one where there just aren’t enough choc chips, dammit!
My next question is this; does Allen’s in Australia, now owned by Nestle, offer this kind of role, because frankly, I am ready to serve. Since we don’t use the word ‘candy’ in Australia, I propose Lolly-Ologist or Lolly Liaison. I really don’t mind.
I have my own dental cover and I have been in an unofficial training programme for decades. As for my sincerity, I have conducted exhaustive analysis, off my own bat. While my papers are still unpublished, having found no obvious academic journal to call home, I would happily submit them in an interview.
My dissertation, Wither the Slither; Is a Packet of Snakes Alive the Cure-all for Unhappiness? deserves a readership. I am also proud of Fillings Be Damned – The Case for Reinstating the Rock-Hard Milk Shake, an argument I have long made in the face of that soft pretender, the Milk Chew. The Musk Stick and its Central Role in Uniting the White Bag; was inspired by the many years of asking for “ten cents worth of lollies please.” I’m sorry to shock any millennials or Gen Y’s reading this, but ten cents really did once buy a small sugary feast. It was a time when shop assistants would show remarkable patience as we dithered over our choices. I’m afraid those kindly souls have gone the way of the Choo Choo Bar and the Polly Waffle.
I can answer any interview questions on the merits of spearmint leaves, Jaffa’s, freckles, false teeth, raspberries, jelly babies and lolly bananas. Try me.
In short, I want this occupation. I swear I’ll give my eye teeth.
LOLL.
This is your dream job Sweetie, and no doubt you’d excel in it.
Don’t retire yet, there’s important work to do!
After watching you consume a Wagon Wheel for breakfast and a Cherry Ripe for lunch, I can vouch for your suitability for this important role.